An Important Discussion

DRAMATIS PERSONAE:


ZENO: A philosopher who shoots at tortoises

SOCRATES: Another philosopher, and the only man who did not attempt to sleep with Alcibiades. Did some other stuff too.

TERRY WRIST: The newest housemate - a shadowy presence. No one has yet seen his face.


Scene

Socrates sits in the living room of their sprawling share house. He is alone, staring suspiciously at a steaming cup of tea. 

Enter Zeno

ZENO: Morning, Socco - what are you up to?

SOCRATES: Hey, Zeno. Someone left this cup of tea for me, and I don't think it's quite right.

ZENO: You don't think the cup is quite right, or the tea, or the leaving of it?

SOCRATES: Let's not start this nonsense again. We were at it three days last time. Let's just say I've developed a general distrust of herbal infusions and leave it at that.

ZENO: Fine. I don't care, anyway - I'm here on important business.

SOCRATES: Oh yes? What's that?

ZENO: Well, a member of the government, [checks his phone] one George Christensen, says that it's vitally important we have a discussion on Radical Islam.

SOCRATES: Well, if the government says so, we should probably do it. What's Radical Islam?

ZENO: Um... It's Islam that's gone radical.

SOCRATES: You'll have to do better than that.

ZENO: Well, 'radical' means wanting to change things and 'Islam' is a religion. So it's a religion that wants to change things. Yeah - that's it.

SOCRATES: I think you'll have to work on that definition.

ZENO: Whatever for?

SOCRATES: Because if you can't properly define something, you can't really say you understand it.

ZENO: You know I've never really agreed with you on that.

SOCRATES: That's probably because you think a tortoise is faster than an arrow. Anyway, let's leave that aside for now. This Radical Islam - do we have a lot of it around here?

ZENO: I don't know. But what I do know is that it's a big problem - everyone's talking about it.

SOCRATES: If everyone's already talking about it, then why is it so urgent that we have this discussion?

ZENO: I'm not sure. I just have a vague feeling of unease, is all.

SOCRATES: Surely it would make sense to investigate this 'vague feeling' before going around bothering other people with it, don't you think?

Enter TERRY WRIST, composing a Tweet on his phone as he walks past ZENO and SOCRATES.

ZENO: Hey, Terry - where are you going?

TERRY: I've got to catch a plane to Iraq. That's where I mostly work these days.

ZENO: Can it wait? We have to have a discussion about Radical Islam.

TERRY: Sorry, no. And besides, I'm pretty sure your 'discussion' doesn't affect me in any way. See you later, guys.

Exit TERRY WRIST stage left

Curtain

A Matter of Opinion

DRAMATIS PERSONAE


JOE AVERAGE: A perfectly moral, decent and good citizen.

ZENO: Yes, that Zeno. Because I've always liked him.



Scene

Joe and Zeno are seated at the breakfast table reading the morning papers. Sunlight filters in through the windows of their comfortable suburban home. The distant sound of lawnmowers forms the drone note beneath a counterpoint of birdsong.

Joe throws down his paper in disgust. 


JOE: I can't believe  this verdict - that bastard should have been locked up for life!

ZENO: So, he was acquitted?

JOE: What? No, of course not! But he only got three years, so he may as well have been.

ZENO: Ah, I see - it's the sentence, not the verdict, which has upset you.

JOE: Oh, for god's sake, Zeno - why are you so fussy with words? Don't you know it's every man's inalienable human right to be lazy and inept with language and still expect to be perfectly understood? Words! They're the sly, tricksy weapons of the media elite. They just don't matter.

ZENO: Really? No, I wasn't aware. Well, in that case: Banana paradox flugelhorn Frenchman sultana.

JOE: Are you having a stroke?

ZENO: How could you not understand me? I was saying very clearly, in my own personal and therefore perfectly valid way, that I believe communication is futile unless we first agree what words actually mean. Did you not get that? My, how pedantic you are about words, all of a sudden.

JOE: Okay, you can be as clever as you like...

ZENO: Thank you. I intend to.

JOE: ...as clever as you like, but it doesn't change the fact that three years is a bloody outrage. Look - the front page of the Tele says it is, so it must be. I just can't understand what the judge was thinking.

ZENO: Really? I read the judgement and it all seemed perfectly clear to me.

JOE: What are you talking about? Is this another one of your philosophical tricks? You know, I tried that thing with the turtle and the arrow and it didn't work at all.

ZENO: Logic is not life. Anyway, 'judgement', in this context, refers to the document wherein judges outline their specific reasons in law for the sentences and/or verdicts which they hand down.

JOE: I stop listening when people use words like 'context' and 'wherein'. Only experts and smart people use those words, and they're never worth listening to.

ZENO: They write down why they did what they did.

JOE: Yeah, right. So what's that got to do with anything?

ZENO: You said you didn't understand what the judge was thinking. Reading the judgement might be a good start, don't you think?

JOE: No. I don't. I just emote. And it's everybody's inalienable right to emote on the basis of inchoate feelings of outrage, formulate that emotion with incoherent and imprecise language and then call the products of this process a 'considered opinion'.

ZENO: I see. Well, exercising this right and going by your process, it is my considered opinion that you are a scabrous, mentally handicapped, deaf mute donkey. On that basis, there is absolutely no need to ever speak or listen to you again.

Curtain

Reality Plays - An Immigration Conversation

DRAMATIS PERSONAE

INTELLI GENT: A disembodied intellect, utterly alone


POLSCI: An organism grown in a sealed hothouse, expert in all things political


VOX RATIO: A disembodied voice, trapped in a soundproof box


VOX POP: A foot long Subway sandwich imbued with the power of speech


Act 1 Scene 1


A hush falls over the stage as INTELLI GENT, POLSCI et al realise that VOX POP is about to speak. They look at VOX POP with trepidation, but without effect, as VOX POP is aware of neither the spelling nor the meaning of the word 'trepidation'.

Trumpet Fanfare, spotlight on VOX POP, who stands alone in the splendid isolation of his echo chamber.


VOX POP: Can you imagine, right, what it'd be like if we, like, let all the Moslems in?

INTELLI: [pauses] I imagine it would be quite crowded.

VOX POP: Yeah! I mean... what? Whaddayamean? Why don’t you ever say anything that makes any sense? You ivory tower, university qualified, know-nothing, know-it-all who knows nothing!

INTELLI: Well, for a start, our population would instantly grow by about 1.6 billion people, which would represent a significant and sudden increase.

POLSCI: We’d have to build a huge amount of infrastructure – I’m pretty sure that even ‘Big Australia’ advocates would admit that an injection of population that large would overwhelm any current or future capacity for this country to sustain population. It would probably mean taking the regrettable step of raising taxes on individuals by about 170%. It’s all good, though, as we’ll offset that and create economic growth by reducing company tax to, um… let’s see… minus 300%.

VOX POP: Shut up, dickhead. No-one cares.

INTELLI: And then there would be the expense. As far as I’m aware, no more than a few millions of this total figure are actually displaced or attempting to migrate, so we would need to purchase quite a lot of military and logistical hardware in order to bring them here by force. You’d have to talk to POLSCI for the exact numbers.

VOX POP: I can’t be bothered with facts and figures. I just know how I feel, and how I feel is terrified about terrorism.

INTELLI: Well, if we had a sudden influx of 1.6 billion people, I’m pretty sure terrorism would be the least of our problems. I think the primary issue would be total and complex societal collapse.

VOX POP: So I’ll finally be able to use all those doomsday supplies? I’m glad they won’t go to waste – you know how much I care about value for money.

VOX RATIO: [inaudible]

VOX POP: What did he say?

POLSCI: Not sure – I only caught something about “false premise”.

VOX POP: Typical. Vox Ratio’s never got anything really interesting to say – nothing you can get really frightened or excited about. And he’s always trying to ruin it when you’ve found some really juicy piece of outrage to chew on. I mean, seriously, what an arsehole. Oh look, he’s yelling now.

INTELLI: I think we should hear what he has to say.

POLSCI: I dunno. If Vox Pop doesn’t want to hear it, then I probably don’t either. Actually, I do, but I don’t want to upset Vox Pop in case he evicts me from his house.

INTELLI: I think he’s saying something about “talking at cross purposes”.

VOX POP: What? What does that even mean? Actually, I don’t care. Just drop this curtain over his box, will you? The day I listen to that killjoy is the day the world ends.

Curtain