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Friday, 30 December 2016

An Important New Year's Resolution


There once was a dream which was Rome. That dream was best elucidated by the famous words "When men of goodwill gather round a table to talk, there is no problem which cannot be solved." As you all know, this was first and most famously said by King Grover of Sesame Street, who reigned for eighteen thousand years in Ur of the Chaldees, beginning in 7000BCE and ending at some point in the future when he was deposed by lizard aliens from Sumeria or something.

If you have any kind of problem with the paragraph above, you urgently need to join me in my new year's resolution. Let me explain.

The world has changed. The establishment has been told in no uncertain terms that it will no longer be tolerated, and has therefore been replaced by an establishment from several decades ago. Tired of being locked out of making important decisions due to ignorance, incompetence, and mental incapacity, the silent majority has somewhat paradoxically decided to speak, and we now live in a world where priorities are very different.

What's important these days is not the common weal, or careful action with consideration for the future, or any of that pansy guff. Yes, I said 'pansy' you PC Nazis, so just deal with it. But don't you dare call me a bigot. Anyway, I digress. What's important now isn't any of that over-complicated foolishness, but rather how I personally feel about stuff. That's right, the big agenda setter for the coming year is how I personally feel about stuff. And if I lack the mental equipment to express that clearly or consistently, that's your fault, not mine.

As such, we have a number of urgent priorities:

  • Drain the swamp whilst not draining the swamp. If you don't know what the 'swamp' is, you must be one of those uni educated poofters who reckons words should mean stuff, so I'm not talking to you anyway.
  • Protect the sanctity of life by calling for the death of all hunters and Muslims and anyone else who ends up on an angry meme.
  • Make stuff great again - you know what I mean so stop pretending my slogan's so vague it's meaningless. You're just trying to trick and confuse me.
  • End the conspiracy. You know the one - it's got something to do with Hilary, kids, and possibly 9/11.
And there's only one way to achieve all this. We need to destroy the old world order and create a new world, where half-baked opinions composed of equal parts fantasy and ignorance are once again the sovereign force in complex state politics - just like it used to be in that time which never happened, but must have because I saw it in a movie once.

So yeah, that's my resolution. What actually was it, you ask? If you don't know, you clearly haven't been listening to me, and I'm the people, goddamit.




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